Managing emotions when a foster child moves on
One of the most challenging parts of fostering is when children move on. Children move on for many reasons, such as moving home to live with their birth parents, moving in with extended family or family friends, moving to a better matched foster home, because the child isn’t settled in the foster home, because the child is moving on to independent living, or for other reasons.
Foster carers may struggle with their own feelings of loss, and perhaps the carers may feel disappointed that they couldn’t offer more support to the child. At the same time, the foster carers have to support the child so that the transition can be as smooth for them.
Some things that foster carers can do to make transitions easier for children and for themselves are:
Prepare in advance
Whenever possible moves should be planned in advance. The foster carers and children should have a reasonable amount of time to learn about the next place that the child is moving to and to arrange visits beforehand if possible. That said, some children need short notice because they will struggle with the anxiety of moving again.
Speak about your feelings
The foster carer should speak with their supervising social worker about their feelings so that appropriate support can be given. Foster carers should also seek emotional support from their friends, family and from other foster carers.
The foster carer may also wish to share appropriate information about feelings with the child – it’s appropriate and emotionally healthy for the child to know that they are cared for and will be missed.
The child should be encouraged to express their feelings in a healthy way. They should be able to choose who to speak with, or perhaps they prefer to process their emotions in a journal, by drawing or perhaps through sports.
Foster carers and supervising social workers should be mindful of the impact of transitions on the whole household. Other children in the home may miss the child and the child may also miss other members of the family – including pets.
Review the life story work
Children should have a child-friendly summary of their child in the fostering home, including pictures and any significant items. At Sparks Fostering the foster carers write a daily journal for the child which is printed every four months and designed to be child-friendly. The work will help the child to reflect on their time in the fostering home.
Pack the child’s items sensitively
The child may wish to help with packing, or they might find the process too difficult. This should be discussed with their social worker.
The children’s possessions should be packed nicely, in suitcases and/or packing boxes. Their items should have been well looked after and they should be able to take all their toys, clothes and other items that are important to them. Carers should also ensure that the items the child came to the home with were well cared for and they will go with the child when they move on.
Consider staying in touch
Foster carers often build up strong healthy relationships with the children and it is in the best interests of both the child and the carers that they stay in touch whenever possible. Sometimes foster carers have good relationships with the birth parents, which makes continued contact possible if the child is returning to live with family.
If the child is moving on to independent living, the foster carers may play an integral role in supporting them if they have any difficulties. Many foster carers continue to have visits from adults who they had previously fostered – children grow to be members of the family and continue to be members of the family when they’re adults.
Heal before welcoming another child
Foster carers should not feel pressured to welcome another child too soon after a child leaves, especially if the foster carers are struggling with feelings of loss and grief. Carers should heal and work on self-care so that they can be strong, resilient, optimistic and full of energy before the next child joins their home.
